4598 Total Quotes

Funny Quotes

Jack Handey
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey Permalink
#Funny

Robin Williams
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams Permalink
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Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
Albert Einstein Permalink
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Johnny Carson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson Permalink
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Mitch Hedberg
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
Mitch Hedberg Permalink
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Oliver Wendell Holmes
You make me chuckle when you say that you are no longer young, that you have turned twenty-four. A man is or may be young to after sixty, and not old before eighty.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Permalink
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Oscar Wilde
I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.
Oscar Wilde Permalink
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Oscar Wilde
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde Permalink
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Proverb Permalink
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Walt Disney
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
Walt Disney Permalink
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Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield Permalink
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Josh Billings
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Josh Billings Permalink
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Erica Mann Jong
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Erica Mann Jong Permalink
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Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby Permalink
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Johnny Carson
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson Permalink
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Joseph Mankiewicz
The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't.
Joseph Mankiewicz Permalink
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Mae West
Women with "pasts" interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself.
Mae West Permalink
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P. J. O'Rourke
Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
P. J. O'Rourke Permalink
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Oscar Wilde
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
Oscar Wilde Permalink
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When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne Boosler Permalink
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Will Ferrell
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.
Will Ferrell Permalink
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Emo Philips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips Permalink
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Marilyn Monroe
It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.
Marilyn Monroe Permalink
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Johnny Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson Permalink
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Ethel Barrymore
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore Permalink
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Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Jerry Seinfeld Permalink
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Tommy Cooper
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Tommy Cooper Permalink
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Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
Joe Lewis Permalink
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Oscar Wilde
Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.
Oscar Wilde Permalink
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Groucho Marx
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx Permalink
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