2794 Total Quotes

American Comedian Quotes Page 6

Jay Leno
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
Jay Leno
#American Comedian

George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
#American Comedian

Fred Allen
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Fred Allen
#American Comedian

Robin Williams
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
#American Comedian

Rita Rudner
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita Rudner
#American Comedian

Jay Leno
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
Jay Leno
#American Comedian

David Letterman
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

Fred Allen
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen
#American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg
#American Comedian

My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didn't think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?
Andy Kaufman
#American Comedian

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo
#American Comedian

Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
#American Comedian

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
#American Comedian

David Letterman
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
#American Comedian

Ellen DeGeneres
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian

David Letterman
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

James Thurber
Unless artists can remember what it was to be a little boy, they are only half complete as artist and as man.
James Thurber
#American Comedian

Bob Hope
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope
#American Comedian

Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

I'm relaxed about my career. I've been making movies for over 20 years, so I've earned at least the right to relax.
Eddie Murphy
#American Comedian

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!
Wendy Liebman
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian