2794 Total Quotes

American Comedian Quotes Page 5

P. J. O'Rourke
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
P. J. O'Rourke
#American Comedian

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
Dave Chappelle
#American Comedian

Robin Williams
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Robin Williams
#American Comedian

Lenny Bruce
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce
#American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
#American Comedian

If I play my cards right, I could bring network wrestling back to TV. Unfortunately, to most people, wrestling is a laughingstock. But fortunately, I'm reaching people who otherwise wouldn't watch it.
Andy Kaufman
#American Comedian

Emo Philips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield
#American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
#American Comedian

Josh Billings
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Josh Billings
#American Comedian

Jack Benny
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
#American Comedian

Bob Hope
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope
#American Comedian

Sarah Silverman
The nightmare stories are all true, but it was good. Made me so strong after that year of getting my confidence beaten out of me.
Sarah Silverman
#American Comedian

Fred Allen
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen
#American Comedian

James Thurber
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.
James Thurber
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Dennis Miller
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Dennis Miller
#American Comedian

Every year, I have to spend another hour working out. Pretty soon I'll be spending eight hours working out just to fit in the costume. I have the feeling that the minute I stop doing the character, boom, Roseanne Barr.
Cassandra Peterson
#American Comedian

Josh Billings
There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins.
Josh Billings
#American Comedian

Jay Leno
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
Jay Leno
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Tina Fey
An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Tina Fey
#American Comedian

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Jay London
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London
#American Comedian

George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
#American Comedian

Rita Rudner
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
#American Comedian

P. J. O'Rourke
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
P. J. O'Rourke
#American Comedian