2794 Total Quotes

American Comedian Quotes Page 4

Lenny Bruce
Communism is like one big phone company.
Lenny Bruce
#American Comedian

Steve Martin
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
Steve Martin
#American Comedian

David Letterman
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield
#American Comedian

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Rita Rudner
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
#American Comedian

Steve Martin
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Steve Martin
#American Comedian

David Letterman
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
#American Comedian

James Thurber
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
James Thurber
#American Comedian

I always wanted to be on a sitcom.
Victoria Jackson
#American Comedian

Johnny Carson
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
Garry Shandling
#American Comedian

David Letterman
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henry Youngman,
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.
David Brenner
#American Comedian

Lenny Bruce
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Dick Gregory
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
#American Comedian

Al Franken
I once asked the most fabulous couple I know, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, how they kept things fresh despite having been married for almost seven months. 'It's a job, Al,' Guy told me. 'We work at it every day.'
Al Franken
#American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
#American Comedian

Rita Rudner
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner
#American Comedian