2794 Total Quotes

American Comedian Quotes Page 3

Henry Youngman,
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henry Youngman,
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

Rita Rudner
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
#American Comedian

Dennis Miller
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Dennis Miller
#American Comedian

Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
#American Comedian

Bob Hope
They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
Bob Hope
#American Comedian

Dan Aykroyd
We must come to the point where we realize the concept of race is a false one. There is only one race, the human race.
Dan Aykroyd
#American Comedian

Dennis Miller
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
Dennis Miller
#American Comedian

Joan Rivers
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers
#American Comedian

Robin Williams
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Robin Williams
#American Comedian

Robin Williams
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Robin Williams
#American Comedian

You go out with a girl you used to date, she looks so damn good, and then at a certain point you say, Boy, now I remember. I know why I left!
Arsenio Hall
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Bob Hope
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
Bob Hope
#American Comedian

Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?
Jane Wagner
#American Comedian

James Thurber
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
James Thurber
#American Comedian

George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield
#American Comedian

Milton Berle
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.
Jimmy Fallon
#American Comedian

Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
#American Comedian

I probably have become more infamous from two misdemeanors than probably anyone i could think of.
Paul Reubens
#American Comedian