2794 Total Quotes

American Comedian Quotes Page 2

W. C. Fields
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian

Robin Williams
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Robin Williams
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Margaret Cho
Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary.
Margaret Cho
#American Comedian

David Letterman
And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

Milton Berle
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle
#American Comedian

Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
#American Comedian

Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
#American Comedian

David Letterman
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian

Al Franken
The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover.
Al Franken
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian

George Burns
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
#American Comedian

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henry Youngman,
#American Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

P. J. O'Rourke
Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
P. J. O'Rourke
#American Comedian

George Burns
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
#American Comedian

Jay London
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
Jay London
#American Comedian

David Letterman
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"
Ray Combs
#American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henry Youngman,
#American Comedian

Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
#American Comedian

Johnny Carson
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
Johnny Carson
#American Comedian