2794 Total Quotes

American Comedian Quotes

Robin Williams
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
#American Comedian

Johnny Carson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
#American Comedian

Josh Billings
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Josh Billings
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian

Johnny Carson
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson
#American Comedian

P. J. O'Rourke
Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
P. J. O'Rourke
#American Comedian

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne Boosler
#American Comedian

Will Ferrell
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.
Will Ferrell
#American Comedian

Emo Philips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian

Johnny Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
#American Comedian

Robert Benchley
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley
#American Comedian

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
#American Comedian

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
#American Comedian

David Letterman
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman
#American Comedian

W. C. Fields
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields
#American Comedian

Jay Leno
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno
#American Comedian

George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
#American Comedian

Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian

Bill Cosby
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby
#American Comedian

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
#American Comedian

P. J. O'Rourke
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
P. J. O'Rourke
#American Comedian

George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
#American Comedian

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Stephen Wright
#American Comedian