215 Total Quotes

Woody Allen Quotes

Woody Allen
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Club

Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director #Death

Woody Allen
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Woody Allen Permalink
#God

Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director

Woody Allen
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director

Woody Allen
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Punishment

Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director #Failure

Woody Allen
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Love #Editor's Pick #Quote of the Day #Causes

Woody Allen
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director

Woody Allen
Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Advice

Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Funny #American Director

Woody Allen
My brain? That´s my second favourite organ.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Brain

Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director #Attachment

Woody Allen
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director

Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Wisdom #Choice

Woody Allen
The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Appearance

Woody Allen
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director #Depression

Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director

Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen Permalink
#Comfort

Woody Allen
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen Permalink
#American Director #Achievement