242 Total Quotes

Stephen Wright Quotes

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Stephen Wright
#Funny #American Comedian #Coffee

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Stephen Wright
#Funny #American Comedian #Body

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
Stephen Wright
#Funny #Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Stephen Wright
#Funny #American Comedian #Fishing

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Stephen Wright
#Funny #Editor's Pick #Quote of the Day #Cats

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Stephen Wright
#Funny #American Comedian

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
Stephen Wright
#Dreams

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Stephen Wright
#Funny #Editor's Pick #Quote of the Day #Short #Cute

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Stephen Wright
#Funny #American Comedian

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Stephen Wright
#Funny #American Comedian

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Stephen Wright
#Funny #American Comedian #Autobiography