100 Total Quotes

Phyllis Diller Quotes

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
#Funny #American Comedian #Quote of the Day #Baseball

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor
Phyllis Diller
#Cooking

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual
Phyllis Diller
#Anger

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day
Phyllis Diller
#Christmas

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
#Funny #American Comedian #Boyfriend

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
#Funny #American Comedian

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
#Funny #American Comedian

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#Careers

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
#Christmas

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
#Funny #American Comedian #Children

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
#Funny #American Comedian #Children

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.
Phyllis Diller
#Guests

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
Phyllis Diller
#Bachelor

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type
Phyllis Diller
#Blood

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller
#American Comedian #Crisis #Funny

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
#American Comedian #Funny