176 Total Quotes

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny

Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #Quote of the Day

Mitch Hedberg
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'
Mitch Hedberg
#Bureaucracy

Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian #Tennis

Mitch Hedberg
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
#Comedy

Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian #Comedy

Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #Quote of the Day

Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian #Girlfriend

Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
#New York

Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.
Mitch Hedberg
#Funny #American Comedian

Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
#American Comedian