78 Total Quotes

Jon Stewart Quotes

But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
Jon Stewart
#Humorous

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'
Jon Stewart
#Bombs

I have some sad news to report, Bjork could not be here tonight -- she was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her.
Jon Stewart
#News

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
Jon Stewart
#Army

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes #Canada

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes #Comedy

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.
Jon Stewart
#Enron

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.
Jon Stewart
#Beauty

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just -- the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'
Jon Stewart
#Dick Cheney

Germany didn't want to got to war (in Iraq). I don't know how to say it any more simply than that.
Jon Stewart
#Germany

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes #Golf

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes #Thanksgiving

Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.
Jon Stewart
#Honor

[Tucker, not enjoying the lecture, suggested,] You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think. ... You need to go to one.
Jon Stewart
#Journalism

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change… I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
Jon Stewart
#Jokes

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally -- and many internationally -- for their wide-ranging achievements.
Jon Stewart
#Architecture

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.
Jon Stewart
#Man

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's ""offensive to the religion of Islam."" Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
Jon Stewart
#Religion

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
Jon Stewart
#American Entertainer Quotes

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
Jon Stewart
#Action #American Entertainer Quotes