98 Total Quotes

Jack Handy Quotes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handy
#Laughter

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Jack Handy
#Brains

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Jack Handy
#Babies

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Jack Handy
#People

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Jack Handy
#Believe

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Jack Handy
#Emotions

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Jack Handy
#Death

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Jack Handy
#People

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
Jack Handy
#Money

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
Jack Handy
#Culture

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
Jack Handy
#Funny

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
Jack Handy
#College

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak
Jack Handy
#Peace

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
Jack Handy
#Fun

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
Jack Handy
#Ballet

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals
Jack Handy
#Opera

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
Jack Handy
#Fear

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Jack Handy
#Decency

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
Jack Handy
#History

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
Jack Handy
#Funny #Quote of the Day

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
Jack Handy
#Dirty

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Jack Handy
#Control

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
Jack Handy
#Earth

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up
Jack Handy
#Home

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
Jack Handy
#Class

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Jack Handy
#Children

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting
Jack Handy
#God

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend
Jack Handy
#Funny #Quote of the Day