142 Total Quotes

Henry Youngman Quotes

Henry Youngman,
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian #Bed

Henry Youngman,
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian #Holidays

Henry Youngman,
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian #Golf

Henry Youngman,
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian #Army

Henry Youngman,
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Funny #American Comedian

Henry Youngman,
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#American Comedian #Funny

Henry Youngman,
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#American Comedian #Funny

Henry Youngman,
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#Clothes

Henry Youngman,
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#American Comedian #Funny

Henry Youngman,
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henry Youngman, Permalink
#American Comedian