180 Total Quotes

George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
#Criticism

George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
George Carlin
#Books And Reading

George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
George Carlin
#Funny #Quote of the Day #Editor's Pick

George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
#Funny #American Comedian

George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
#Funny #American Comedian #Electricity

George Carlin
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting
George Carlin
#Night

George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
George Carlin
#Fighting

George Carlin
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt
George Carlin
#Home

George Carlin
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
George Carlin
#Aggression

George Carlin
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket
George Carlin
#Civilization

George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
#Funny #American Comedian #Audience

George Carlin
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
George Carlin
#Democracy

George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
#Funny #American Comedian #Authority

George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
George Carlin
#Floor

George Carlin
Here's somthing you never hear someone say: 'As soon as I stick this red hot poker up my ass i'm going to chop my dick off'.
George Carlin
#Poker

George Carlin
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
George Carlin
#Advertising

George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
#Funny