94 Total Quotes

Emo Philips Quotes

Emo Philips
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian #Speech

Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian

Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
#Quote of the Day #American Comedian #Funny #Short #Boxing

Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian

Emo Philips
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian

Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian #Devil

Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian #Evil

Emo Philips
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian

Emo Philips
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
#Funny #American Comedian

Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian #Funny #Insanity

Emo Philips
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Emo Philips
#Bed

Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
#American Comedian #Funny