77 Total Quotes

Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

Ellen DeGeneres
Hello?..Oh, hi Tom. Ooh, I've been dying to see that movie...Mmm no, I just opened up some yogurt. I am in for the night....Not even later, it's the kind with the fruit on the bottom. Thanks anyway. Have fun." "Oh...Sorry I'm late...Traffic. Hm. Really? How you think I got here? Hellacoptered in?
Ellen DeGeneres
#Dying

Ellen DeGeneres
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
#Funny #American Comedian #Approval

Ellen DeGeneres
Oh she tripped?....Nooo, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!!!
Ellen DeGeneres
#Running

Ellen DeGeneres
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Ellen DeGeneres
#Clothes

Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian #Funny

Ellen DeGeneres
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian #Beginning #Funny

Ellen DeGeneres
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian #Funny #Animals

Ellen DeGeneres
Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian #Funny

Ellen DeGeneres
I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up...blah blah blah blah blaaaaah.
Ellen DeGeneres
#Mind

Ellen DeGeneres
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
#Funny #American Comedian

Ellen DeGeneres
"I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises."
Ellen DeGeneres
#Memories

Ellen DeGeneres
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian #Funny #Eyes

Ellen DeGeneres
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian #Funny

Ellen DeGeneres
So, I bought a new cd and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers..I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here..is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors....you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldnt be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard .....what are they thinking? "Ohh they'll be fine
Ellen DeGeneres
#Trying

Ellen DeGeneres
"Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log."
Ellen DeGeneres
#Bed

Ellen DeGeneres
Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going?....Why'd he do that?....Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are...You're denying it right now: "I do not do that...Why is she saying that?....What's she gonna say next?
Ellen DeGeneres
#People

Ellen DeGeneres
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres
#American Comedian #Funny