52 Total Quotes

Eddie Izzard Quotes

Eddie Izzard
If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Funny #British Comedian

Eddie Izzard
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Restaurants

Eddie Izzard
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Funny #British Comedian

Eddie Izzard
Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off inthe distance.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Drugs

Eddie Izzard
And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Office

Eddie Izzard
They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Funny #British Comedian

Eddie Izzard
But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Kids

Eddie Izzard
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Funny #British Comedian

Eddie Izzard
But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”“Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Dogs

Eddie Izzard
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Funny #British Comedian #History

Eddie Izzard
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#People

Eddie Izzard
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Funny #British Comedian #Coffee

Eddie Izzard
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Girls

Eddie Izzard
"Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that."Cake or death?""Eh, cake please.""Very well! Give him cake!""Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice.""You! Cake or death?"Uh, cake for me, too, please.""Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?""Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry...""You said death first, uh-uh, death first!""Well, I meant cake!""Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Death

Eddie Izzard
And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#People

Eddie Izzard
‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Ideas

Eddie Izzard
I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Evil

Eddie Izzard
You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Catholicism

Eddie Izzard
So my choice is 'Or Death?'.
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Choice

Eddie Izzard
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”“Fido looks a bit weird.”
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Eyes

Eddie Izzard
ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. Bye! I love you
Eddie Izzard Permalink
#Love #I Love You