14 Total Quotes

David Sedaris Quotes

Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all on it's own.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Bed

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Alcohol And Alcoholism

Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Crack

On Undecided Voter?s: "To put them in perspective, I think? of being? on an airplane.? The flight attendant comes? down the aisle? with her food cart and, eventually,? parks? it beside my seat.? “Can I inter?est you in the chick?en??” she asks.? “Or would? you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broke?n glass? in it?” To be undecided in this elect?ion is to pause? for a moment and then ask how the chick?en is cooked.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Democrats

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
David Sedaris Permalink
#American Writer

My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Hate

It was all luck and it all started with that radio piece. If it wasn't for that, I'd probably still be cleaning apartments as a maid in New York.'
David Sedaris Permalink
#American Writer #Luck

One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody has the Internet, ... I don't. I've never seen the Internet. I've never ordered a book on it, and I wouldn't really want to.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Age And Aging

When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Eyes

Underneath my window, there were huge groups of people running in the streets. They tried to overturn a car. So the woman opened her window and tried to throw water on them. So then they threw rocks up and tried to smash her windows. It was very exciting.
David Sedaris Permalink
#People

[I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross.
David Sedaris Permalink
#Computers

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
David Sedaris Permalink
#American Writer

They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.
David Sedaris Permalink
#American Writer