50 Total Quotes

Conan O'Brien Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'
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#American Entertainer Quotes #Baghdad

Conan O'Brien
In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
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#Men

Conan O'Brien
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Baseball said it's instituting tougher steriod testing. For the 1st offense, players get a 10-game suspension. For repeat offenses, players will get a batting championship.
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#Baseball

Conan O'Brien
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.
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#FBI

Conan O'Brien
President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
No charm, no humor, no wit -- and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.'
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#Charm

Conan O'Brien
President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
I still can't really believe that he talked to me, ... If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, they can't take that away from me.
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#Believe

Conan O'Brien
Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.
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#American Entertainer Quotes

Conan O'Brien
If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people willthink you're drunk.
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#Drunk

Conan O'Brien
Just think if global warming gets worse. The fake snow industry - that's the upside that nobody looks at.
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#Global Warming

Conan O'Brien
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people.
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#America

Conan O'Brien
Come back to bed, God!
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#Bed