45 Total Quotes

Billy Connolly Quotes

Billy Connolly
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
“So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Disco

Billy Connolly
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian #Christianity

Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking. . . . I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Joke

Billy Connolly
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Race

Billy Connolly
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Marriage #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny #Scottish Comedian

Billy Connolly
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly Permalink
#Funny