A Cooks Tour

(22 votes)   Ron White: I'm chastised in the media for my position on the death penalty. And the media doesn't know the half of it. Like in the Mussawi case, if I were to set the execution date, I would set it for 1 a.m. on the day we set clocks forward. Looks like you got another hour left, Mussawi. Nope. Spring forward, asshole!


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road (TV) 2006

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(13 votes)   Jeff: [during Jeff's You Might Be a Redneck] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
Bill: [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
Jeff: [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
[high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie 2003

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(13 votes)   Larry The Cable Guy: Did you know Britney Spears hurt her leg and had to cancel some dates? But they said with the proper rehabilitation she'll be back on her knees in no time, so that's... get her done. That's funny. I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.


Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (TV) 2004

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(12 votes)   Jeff: If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say cool whip on the side, you might be a redneck.


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie 2003

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(12 votes)   Lee Evans: I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said may contain nuts. Well, ****ing YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!


Lee Evans: XL Tour Live 2005 (V) 2005

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(12 votes)   Lee Evans: [about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*


Lee Evans: XL Tour Live 2005 (V) 2005

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(10 votes)   Bill Engvall: My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road (TV) 2006

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(9 votes)   Jeff: If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour, you might be a redneck.


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie 2003

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(9 votes)   Lee Evans: Then your wife or girlfriend would come up with mad suggestions like, Lets have a bath together, it'll be just like the films. But it ain't innit. Because women like to have their bath water so ****ing hot.
Lee Evans: No! Have you seen a woman get out of the bath? they're red up to here! it's like they're wearing a low cut ****ing scald!
Lee Evans: Even a lobster would go **** THAT!


Lee Evans: XL Tour Live 2005 (V) 2005

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(7 votes)   Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
Jeff: Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie 2003

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(6 votes)   Lee Evans: [about product helplines] Durex have got one! What point do we ****ing call them?
Lee Evans: [Imitates having sex while on the phone] HELLOOOOOOO!... Wait a minute... Too late.


Lee Evans: XL Tour Live 2005 (V) 2005

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(6 votes)   Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, Bye everyone, I gotta go! Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, Take off the hat! I'm like, What's the deal? He goes, I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club! Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, You're outta here! and I said, I don't think so, Scooter! And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA! I was like, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them! He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to woo! Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]
Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
[pause]
Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd know that already. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]
Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, Yeah. They call me, Tater Salad! Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White? Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie 2003

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(4 votes)   Ron White: [Man shouts something at Ron] No, you can't sir. Stop begging for booze!


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road (TV) 2006

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(3 votes)   Larry The Cable Guy: Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
Jeff: This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
[starts to cry]
Jeff: I'm so proud!


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie 2003

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(3 votes)   Lee Evans: [about little boys climbing trees] GET DOWN, ****ing GET DOWN, I thought my dad was James Brown when I was a kid. But when they get to 16 its all get up, ****ing get up. When you get to 18 its Get out! Get out!
Lee Evans: Not If you've got a daughter though, its Get in
Lee Evans: [as his daughter] But I love him dad.
Lee Evans: ****ing get in!
Lee Evans: [as her boyfriend] But I love her Mr Evans.
Lee Evans: Get ****ed!


Lee Evans: XL Tour Live 2005 (V) 2005

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